Dummy

Sometimes I wish that for every work I produced, I were a new person. Some fresh crash test dummy who never has to worry about what comes after his job's done. No precedents to set. No expectations to meet. Just a fresh, disposable body that no one even needs to know.

It's a little silly. I'm a nobody as it is! But even still, there's always a desire to distance myself from what I've done already. It doesn't matter if I liked it, or if I made it yesterday or years ago. I don't want to be trapped in the same car, crashing into the same wall, flying out the same windshield, no matter how good I've become at it.

That's probably why I've always been drawn to starting new projects. But lately I've been wondering how much of that is a desire for novelty and how much is just plain running away. Would I ever be able to devote myself to, say, poetry, for more than a few years? Being completely honest, that's what I want to do the most. I know I wouldn't have to do it exclusively, but I wonder if I'm capable of a true, long-term focus regardless.

Suppose we'll find out soon enough. Maybe I just need to crash the same car till the wall breaks.